Saturday, February 27, 2016

I'm a Fool To Do Your Dirty Work: 10 Songs About Infidelity

I'm just going to say it -- the inspiration for this post is that for my entire life up until now, for some reason, I've attracted unavailable men. The last one was married (I did not meet up with him in person, but still, it was a doozy of an experience for me.) But, after doing much soul searching since the whole thing happened, I discovered what was wrong with my mindset that attracted it in the first place, and have since changed it. No more...and if by some chance it does happen again I know better now to nip it in the bud immediately.

But...people are human, and that includes songwriters and musicians. Sometimes people just can't help themselves; the attraction of another person outside of a marriage or relationship is so strong, as is the unavailable party. Sometimes it's single men that get involved with a taken woman. If you're looking for a serious relationship, I would personally advise against letting it happen because it almost always ends in a broken heart, especially for the person that was unattached and entered into it. Don't put yourself into a position of being used, because you deserve way better than that. But if you do and it implodes (as it will), you need to learn to forgive yourself and the other person. (Oh, and it goes without saying...if you're married or have a significant other, PLEASE don't try to drag another person into YOUR mess because you're unhappy with your relationship. Work on your marriage or get a divorce!)

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, I guess this is a long, roundabout way of introducing several retro songs that have been written about infidelity and cheating. I suppose some of these make such scenarios seem glamorous, but when Billy Paul was singing about "Me and Mrs. Jones" I bet he wasn't taking into account what may have become of him had Mr. Jones found out about the affair; now that would have made for an enticing "answer" song! Anyways, here's ten songs about cheaters.

"Your Cheatin' Heart" by Hank Williams (1953)

Inspired by Williams' rocky marriage at the time to Audrey Sheppard and subsequent divorce, it became a country standard, especially as Williams died shortly after recording it.

Most shameful lyric: "Your cheatin' heart // Will pine some day // And crave the love // You threw away."

"Lipstick On Your Collar" by Connie Francis (1959)

One of the more upbeat songs in this list about cheating, despite the double blow delivered to the singer; not only was she cheated on, but her boyfriend cheated on her with her best friend. (Kick that "friend" to the curb, Connie.) George Barnes performed the guitar solo on this track, which impressed a young Eric Clapton at the time.

Most shameful lyric: "Who walked in but Mary Jane // Lipstick all a mess // Were you kissing my best friend? // Guess the answer's yes."

"Backstreet Girl" by the Rolling Stones (1967)

This underrated gem by the Stones (featuring vibraphone by Brian Jones) used to make me a bit peeved -- until I realized that it could serve as a warning not to get mixed up with a married man. The harsh reality is that when you lover is married, you can't have a real relationship with them; you can't be seen in public and you don't really get much of his time. And that's exactly what Jagger is singing about in this song; "Don't want you part of my world. Just you be my backstreet girl." thanks.

By the way, Bobby Darin recorded a version of this song (he was a Stones fan) which was actually the first time I heard it.

Most shameful lyric: "Please don't be part of my life // Please keep yourself to yourself // Please don't you bother my wife // That way you won't get no hell."

"(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want to Be Right" by Luther Ingram (1972)

My, Luther Ingram's got a lot on his plate...a mistress that he needs in addition to a wife and two kids at home. What's interesting is how many times this song has been covered by other artists, including women, with lyrics changed to reflect the point of view of the other woman in the song. And although I haven't listened to it yet, Millie Jackson recorded an 11-minute long version of the song that includes a middle monologue portion where she defends her position as the mistress.

Most shameful lyric: "Am I wrong to fall so deeply in love with you // Knowing I got a wife and two little children depending on me, too?"

"Me and Mrs. Jones" by Billy Paul (1972)

What can I say? This song made cheating sound sexy. This was the only hit for Billy Paul, but it ended up becoming a classic and covered numerous times.

Most shameful lyrics: "And now she'll go her way, I'll go mine // But tomorrow we'll meet at the same place, the same time."

"Dirty Work" by Steely Dan (1972)

Man, was there something about 1972 (the year I was born, by the way) that inspired so many songs about cheating?

Most shameful lyric: "Like the castle in its corner in a medieval game // I foresee terrible trouble, and I stay here just the same."

"No Tell Lover" by Chicago (1978)

I've been on a Chicago kick lately and it always amuses me when many fans complain that the band became too ballad-laden in the 80s when Peter Cetera was mostly the frontman. The truth is, while Chicago's sound has changed drastically through the decades, the group had released a lot of ballads that charted during the 1970s, when Terry Kath was still alive (PHENOMENAL forgotten guitar player, by the for a post coming soon here about Kath and the documentary of his life his daughter is putting together.) "No Tell Lover" is an underrated one sung by...who else...Cetera from the excellent Hot Streets album (which, OK, was the band's first album after Kath's death but it's still a good one.)

Most shameful lyric: "Walk away if you see me coming // even though it's you I'm loving."

"I Know There's Something Going On" by Frida (1982)

While watching the music video, all I could think of was anyone who would cheat on the lovely Anni-Frid Lyngstad of ABBA must have rocks in their head. Phil Collins produced and played the drums on this hit single as well as the entire solo album it came from, Something's Going On.

"Careless Whisper" by Wham! (1984)

Although sad, "Careless Whisper" is one of the '80s' most beautiful and haunting ballads, especially with that piercing saxophone rift which is reminiscent of someone crying. It's funny now to think back on how many couples at my junior high danced to this one on Friday night dances, apparently thinking it was a romantic love song.

Most shameful lyric: "To the heart and mind // Ignorance is kind // There's no comfort in the truth // Pain is all you'll find."

"My Heart Can't Tell You No" by Rod Stewart (1988)

OK, this isn't really about cheating, but it is about a love triangle, and not long ago I could so relate to the lyrics.

Most shameful lyric: "There's only one solution I know // You gotta stay away from me."

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Movie Review: Baby the Rain Must Fall (1965)

When one thinks of Steve McQueen, his most notable movies such as Bullitt, The Great Escape, and The Thomas Crown Affair usually come to mind. Up until yesterday, Baby the Rain Must Fall was still on my list of unseen McQueen movies and unfortunately, I can honestly say I wasn't missing much. A lot of McQueen fans rave about this film and consider it one of his most underrated efforts. I have to disagree. A shoddy script, poor character development, misplaced harpsichord soundtrack music, and cheesy fight scenes are not the stuff that Oscars are made of. Did I mention that McQueen lip-synchs in this movie?

Halfway through the running time I began to wonder why McQueen chose this movie, until I realized the character he was playing mirrored the off-screen King of Cool in many ways. McQueen himself never knew his dad and his mother was an alcoholic prostitute. He was raised by his grandparents and uncle, but still managed to get himself in and out of trouble after returning to his mother and a new stepfather that beat him. McQueen also drifted to Texas as a teen, holding various jobs. No doubt he saw something in Henry Thomas, his troubled character in the film, that deeply resonated with him.

In the film, Henry is out on parole after spending several years in the pokey for stabbing a man during a fight. He's married to Georgette (Lee Remick) who travels to Columbus, Texas to reunite with Henry and introduce him to Margaret Rose (Kimberly Block), the young daughter that he hasn't met yet. Henry was an orphan who was raised by a strict old lady named Miss Kate, but now lives with a couple called the Tillmans. Miss Kate has advised Henry to return to night school and make something of himself, but Henry prefers singing lead in a rockabilly band around the local honky tonks.

The reunion between Henry and Georgette is one of the most awkward ones ever played out on the big screen. After traveling by bus for hours, Georgette is finally able to locate where her husband is staying, thanks to the help of the local deputy, Slim (Don Murray), who has known Henry since he was younger. Henry's reaction to seeing his wife for the first time in several years is to shake her hand (!) and his attitude upon learning he has a daughter seems to be indifference.

Despite the aloofness, the couple and their child move into a shack on the outskirts of town, and Henry is attempting to become the next Elvis Presley. He has lofty dreams of selling his music and becoming a movie star. The music scenes where McQueen is singing are the most cringe-worthy moments in the film. They're so overacted and hammy you can practically see the veins popping out of his neck, and I was genuinely embarrassed for him watching them. Billy Strange was the man actually singing the two Elvis wannabe songs that get repeated during the movie -- the title song and another that I can only guess was called "Treat Me Right." Considering the movie was released in January 1965 -- almost a whole year after Beatlemania swept the U.S. -- the music already sounds dated.

There is one way of looking at the musical performances: Henry is a loser, and perhaps his awful stage presence was intentional, since it's inherent to his character. We know that the best thing he could at least try to do is secure a day job just in case that moonlighting career never takes off but alas, that doesn't happen.

Against Henry's wishes, Georgette takes a job at a local drive-in diner to help make ends meet. At first Henry makes a half-hearted attempt at family life, but old habits die hard. One night after playing a set with his band, he makes a move on another man's woman, which result in fisticuffs. Henry flashes his blade, but still gets beat up pretty badly. Back at home, nursing his wounds, he feeds Georgette a fabricated story as to how he ended up with sores and bruises all over his face.

Meanwhile, mean old Miss Kate is dying -- and after what seems like a long, drawn-out deathbed scene where we're forced to listen to old witch's labored breaths, she opens her eyes, sees Henry, and mutters, "You're no good, Henry. You never have been. You're not worth killing."

After her death, Henry rummages through the house (I got the impression he was looking for any money stashed away somewhere) and then desecrates the late woman's grave until Slim stops and arrests him.

I won't give away the film's ending, but I think you can guess by now that it doesn't have a happy one. Afterwards, it's Georgette and her daughter that are forced to pick up and pieces and move on.

The main problems I have with this movie are the lack of dialogue and any interactive emotion between so many of the characters; namely, Henry and Georgette. They barely speak to one another. Georgette never asks him about his time in prison or makes much of an effort to encourage him to keep himself on the straight and narrow. It's so strange because there's a great scene at the beginning of the movie between Georgette, her daughter, and an older woman who boards the bus and begins chatting with them about the convicts working in the field. Margaret Rose is concerned, unaware that her daddy was one of them. Yet we never see any kind of relationship redevelop between the two lead characters, and the only hint of their love is when Henry overhears Georgette telling Margaret Rose the story of how she met his father. Remmick isn't given much to do in the film and just kind of accepts Henry and the way things are, right up until the end credits.

Likewise, we get the impression that Miss Kate is still a formidable presence in Henry's life, but we don't know much about Henry's upbringing other than catching a glimpse of the leather strap still hanging in Miss Kate's wardrobe (that we assume was used to discipline Henry.) If the movie were made today, we would see flashbacks of Henry's early life that may help us understand better why he became the man that he is.

One notable tidbit of trivia about Baby the Rain Must Fall: although I missed him, Glenn Campbell has an uncredited role as one of the band members in Henry's group. Also, the Texas setting seems to work for the mood of this film, with its unpaved roads and empty plains. (Be prepared to hear crickets during several scenes. Lots and lots of crickets. I've never heard so many unnecessarily in a film before; drove me nuts.) Kudos must also be given to child actress Kimberly Block, as Margaret Rose. She honestly delivers one of the best acting performances, and it's a little surprising that Baby the Rain Must Fall was her only film.

Then of course, there's the eye candy which comes in the way of McQueen wearing jeans and an unbuttoned shirt (at 35 years of age and before the drugs of the swinging '60s took hold of him, he DID look good in this film) but that's really all I can give it. No surprise, audiences didn't receive it too well at the time of its release, either. It's a disappointment for sure when McQueen is missing his cool.

Here's one of the singing scenes from the movie; it isn't as bad as when McQueen is performing in the honky tonks...but, well, you get the idea.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

A Head For Business, and A Bod For Sin

I have some really wonderful personal news to report. You may remember that it was a couple of years ago when I announced on here that my position at work had been eliminated due to a restructuring. Since that time, I've been freelancing (but not making anything close to a living), interviewing, doing a lot of looking within, and experimenting with the notion of other career paths...only to realize that what I've been doing all along is what I knew would truly make me happy.

Well, I'm happy to report that yesterday I accepted a job offer...a really terrific one, as a matter of fact, and I start on Monday. I don't want to say the name here (partly to protect my privacy, and because it can show up on someone's news alert and will end up embarrassing me) but I'm going to be the social media manager and all around marketing go-to person for a food brand that's ready to make a big splash with consumers this year. Some of you know I believe strongly in the law of attraction and thinking positively, and I have no doubt this way of living my life helped me manifest this job opportunity. It quite literally has everything -- and then some -- that I wanted on my dream job wish list. I also knew that waiting for the right opportunity was going to be the one that would make me the happiest and most fulfilled.

So what does this mean for Go Retro? Well, obviously, I'm making this announcement just to give the heads up that I won't have as much time to post here, but will strive to do so once a week. Suffice to say I'm going to be committed to this next phase in my career and I'm also keeping one of my freelance side gigs because it's related work. This blog is still my baby, however -- so rest assured I'm not going away! But it is such a relief to feel my life moving forward again...and I plan on reclaiming a social life, too. It was a really great run to have had two years of extra free time to devote to blogging more often. I also doubt that the Facebook page will be updated daily. (I barely use Twitter as it is, and might branch it out eventually so that there's an account for me and an account just for Go Retro.)

Thanks to everyone that offered words of support, on here, as I posted periodic updates about where I was career-wise. I really can't wait to be a working girl again!

Saturday, February 13, 2016

1970s Advertising: The Couples Edition

There's something to be said about being single on one of the coldest Valentine's Days in history. While the couples will be freezing their private parts off as they trudge off to dinner reservations in the coldest air mass to hit the U.S. this season, I'll be staying warm and cozy with my cats while watching Downton Abbey. Yes, I know that makes you matched people painfully jealous.

Joking aside, in honor of the day when a Christian priest has his head cut off by the Romans for secretly marrying couples (because nothing says candy, cards, and flowers like a good beheading) here are some great vintage ads from the '70s I came across not long ago that all feature couples. Love is in the air, everywhere you look around...

Nothing says machismo like a good '70s stache and going shirtless. I know they're on the beach, but don't you get the feeling he walks around looking like that all of the time?

For a lot of married couples, this is probably their idea of the perfect way to spend Valentine's Day.

These two may want to follow the lead of the couple before them. As an aside, the woman looks like Agnetha Faltskog of ABBA.

I sense a porn photography career about to be born.

These two have clearly already gotten that career well underway.

She's dressed like an Austrian. There's a monkey mask on the table. I don't want to know what they've been up to!

"Very long. Very thin." Very interesting, especially as I've never heard of Dino cigarettes. It looks like he's smoking a pencil.

Now we're about to get into some more alcohol ads, because there was a LOT of drinking taking place in the 1970s. I like the little life saver he has especially for his drink.

I know before I head out for a bike ride, I hydrate and fuel up with a copperhead.

Then there's rehydrating yourself after skiing with whiskey.

OK, this ad happens to actually be from the '80s...because bathing in champagne WAS a very '80s thing to do.

I suppose it doesn't matter that he's clearly ill-prepared for deep-sea fishing, with his attire and equipment only suitable for rivers and streams. Looks like he caught himself a lively one nonetheless.

Blame Canada, as the South Park song says...ladies love a man in uniform, eh?

So many of these '70s male models seem cut from the same mold, huh?

"I'll call you late, every night, just to tell you I love you" is code for "Thanks for the one-night stand; have a nice life." (OK, she's clearly leaving on a trip due to the presence of luggage...but I still thought it was funny.)

I looked up this Randall Lawrence character that this ad speaks of, and apparently he was a male model at the time, although there was very limited info and these are the only photos of him smoking a pipe which makes the mystery all the more stranger. And who's the intimidating looking dude behind him...a bodyguard?

I didn't realize that the Bing Crosby look turned some women on.

Well that's one way to make a Winnebago sexy! Note the "love" pillow behind her.

There's plenty more where these ads come from, but I'll have to post more another time. In the meantime, I hope all Go Retro readers have a happy, safe, and warm Valentine's Day weekend!

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Where the Wild Things Were: New Jersey's Jungle Habitat

All photos via West Milford Jungle Habitat
If you were a kid or teen growing up near northern New Jersey in the early-to-mid 1970s, then there's a good chance you may have visited Jungle Habitat. It was a Warner Brothers-owned safari park encompassing over 900 acres of land in West Milford, New Jersey. During the four years it was in operation, 1,500 animals and 70 different species called Jungle Habitat its home. But in late 1976, after it failed to secure permission from local residents to expand and build rides on its premises, it abruptly closed its gates. For decades afterwards, its failure inspired fodder for urban legends, as many locals claimed to have seen escaped animals roaming the woods and residential areas years after it went out of business. Like the New Jersey devil, UFO sightings, and ghost encounters, Jungle Habitat has its own rightly place in what makes up the Garden state's notorious weirdness.

It seemed like such a novel idea at the time: an open zoo of sorts where visitors could view lions, elephants, camels, rhinos, baboons, and more from their cars (provided they kept their windows closed at all times, of course -- though not everyone followed this rule, which led to one lawsuit.) Other attractions of the park included performing dolphins, a petting zoo, a reptile house, fire breathing shows, snack bars, a gift shop, and costumed Warner Brothers characters. The "walk through" portion of the park was called Jungle Junction, and was kept separate from the drive through portion where the larger animals roamed. During Jungle Habitat's grand opening in July of 1972, cars were backed up for miles.

Of course, a park with wild animals allowed outside of their cages came with its own set of problems. Some animals climbed upon cars and did damage; baboons and monkeys would sometimes succeed in ripping fenders off and a horny male rhino once mistook a grey Mercedes Benz for a potential mate and tried to mount it from behind. The incident was one of three lawsuits filed against the park during the time it was open. One of the others, which was well-publicized, was when a tourist from Israel got mauled by a few of the park's lions. He had hired a taxi but didn't follow the park's rules about keeping car windows closed at all times and instigated cats by yelling "here kitty" and "here you mangy beasts." One of the 500 pound lions put his paws on the open window and forced it down before trying to make a meal of the obnoxious customer.

During another incident, a young elephant reached its trunk over a four foot fence and picked up a grandmother by her arm, thrashing her about before dropping her. Then there were the reports that animals were occasionally escaping from the park. Mostly the eyewitnesses claimed to have seen ostriches and peacocks wandering through their yards, but rumors began spreading that more dangerous animals such as wolves and one of the lions were on the loose. A West Milford resident also claimed to have seen baboons in the town's pharmacy.

Reading comments left by local residents and visitors on other articles about Jungle Habitat, there may be some truth to these rumors; one commenter said a few years after the park closed, he and his friends were riding their bikes when a kangaroo crossed the road they were on. Another remembered a police officer telling residents of one neighborhood to stay indoors as a black panther had been spotted in the area.

Initially, Jungle Habitat did a thriving business -- by the time it closed for the winter season after its first year of operation, a half million visitors had passed through its gate. However, its limited operating season was one of the eventual causes for its demise. The animals had to be fed and kept warm through the harsh New Jersey winters, which cost a lot of money. Some of baboons suffered from frostbite, the giant tortoise died during its first autumn in the park, and the marine animals had to be transported to Florida during the winter season. Sadly, it sounds as if Warner Brothers got ahead of themselves by opening up the park without enough planning to ensure all of the animals were well cared for, despite having an on-site veterinary staff and hospital.

After a few years of operation, attendance at Jungle Habitat started to drop. Warner Brothers realized they had to add more attractions, so during 1976 they petitioned for the right to expand the park and install rides including a roller coaster, log flume ride, carousel, ferris wheel and spinning rides. While the park normally closed at dusk, Warner Brothers wanted the ride section to stay open into the night. West Milford residents balked -- they were already concerned about the traffic, noise, and the risk a dangerous escaped animal could pose. The township, which was divided on the project, narrowly defeated it and Halloween that year was Jungle Habitat's last weekend in operation.

There's been a lot of creepy stories circulated about Jungle Habitat. One of them is the allegation that Warner Brothers abandoned all of the animals and left them to die in the harsh New Jersey winter or fend for themselves. Fortunately, everything that I've read so far about Jungle Habitat's demise confirms that that is just an untrue rumor. All of the animals were sold to other buyers (and sadly, the deer were sold to a shooting preservation) but it is true that dozens of animals including an elephant that had already passed away (mostly from tuberculosis) were left to decay on the land, and weren't buried until the spring of 1977 when the ground thawed.

And like something out of a 1970s horror movie, another myth is that escaped animals crossbred with native New Jersey wildlife, creating terrifying "hell hounds" and other mutant animals. I'm going to have to take a guess here and say that it isn't true.

The entrance of Jungle Habitat today.
As most of us are aware, Warner Brothers would go on to develop its Six Flags theme parks. Jungle Habitat was left behind to disintegrate, and for years afterwards much of the original fixtures and buildings were left intact. In 1988, the state purchased the property for nary $1.5 million. In 2007, a local off-road cycling club cleaned up the park and miles of tracks were constructed for pedestrians, bike riders, and equestrians. An annual mountain bike race called "Rumble in the Jungle" takes place there annually, and the town has shot off its fireworks there on the Forth of July.

The story of Jungle Habitat may be a sad one, but the park's legacy lives on through a marvelous website (from which I gathered most of my information and the accompanying photos.) You can discover a lot more tidbits and paraphernalia there. And if you visit the actual site of the park, who knows. You may hear a roar or a howl if you listen carefully enough.

Here's a wonderful video uploaded to YouTube of a Super 8 film shot at Jungle Habitat back in the day -- accompanied by appropriately chosen '70s instrumental music. It does look like it was a fun place to visit! If you were fortunate to remember or experience Jungle Habitat yourself, I'd love to hear from you in the comments.

Friday, February 05, 2016

Retro Product Fail #12: The Inflatable Bubble House

It's been a while since I've written a post for my Retro Product Fail series, but when I saw this scanned Playboy article from 1972 on Flickr (credited to rchappo2002), I knew I had a winner on my hands.

Behold, the inflatable bubble house as created by a design firm at the time called Chrysalis. Here's what the descriptive copy at the top reads:

Regardless of whether you call the inflatable edifice pictured below a bubble building, hemisphere house or pumped-up pleasure palace, we’re sure you’ll agree it’s the most revolutionary concept in mobile living since somebody invented the trailer—and a lot more fun. Created by a Los Angeles design group named Chrysalis, the polyvinyl Pneudome, when collapsed, fits into a 42”x60”x12” box. To turn on the bubble-house machine, simply spread the dome out on a flat surface, fill the base ring with water (optional cable anchorings also available), then attach the portable air blower to an external port—and up she rises. 

In about eight minutes, you have nearly 500 square feet of living space to do with as your imagination dictates. And, to make sure your air castle doesn’t crumble, you keep the blower going; a gentle current of air not only ensures that the pad remains inflated but ventilated and dust-free, too. 

Although opaque models are also available, we prefer the transparent number, shown here. The price for a Pneudome that’s 25 feet in diameter and ready to rise is about $1950 including blower—a sum that surely won’t blow your bank account. 

So basically, this is like a giant bounce house for adults (without the bounce.) It sure does look and sound cool and I love the concept of environmentally friendly living spaces that was so prevalent in the 1970s. But it's a stretch to call this a house and I think any of us can have a gander at why it never caught on. Obviously there's no way to hook up plumbing, heat, or electricity to it. The only use I can really think of for it is to throw a party in it when you want to be outside on a rainy day or away from the sun. would be very easy for someone to slash that thing and there goes your nearly $2,000 down the drain...

Speaking of which, that amount of money for such a contraption, even back in 1972, sounds like a lot of moola to me for something you can't do much with. Maybe Playboy had the right idea by referring to it as a pleasure palace, as that's all it's really qualified for.

I couldn't find any info on Chrysalis, how long they were in business, and what their other houses looked like. Here's the rest of the article:

Wait a did they illuminate that thing at night?

Thursday, February 04, 2016

The Military Loves Miniskirts: Hilarious 1970 Etiquette Video

I actually blogged about this video find on YouTube a good five years ago, but feel I didn't do it justice at the time. What brought it back into my mind was seeing the following gif that a Facebook friend posted a few weeks ago:

Now, you KNOW you are a retro addict when you can recognize the video clip this was taken from, as I immediately did. And that is, believe it or not, a little 1970 etiquette lesson filmed for women in the military called "The Pleasure Of Your Company," posted by the U.S. National Archives. It was featured in "Media Matters," the National Archives' blog, and there's two other videos in the same series: "Mind Your Military Manners" and "Look Like A Winner" but the one I'm going to do a mini review of is clearly the most entertaining (in "Look Like A Winner," women are actually educated about the importance of taking a daily shower.)

There's a lot of awkwardness in "The Pleasure of Your Company"...awkward acting (mostly by the cute but kind of ditzy brunette above, who could have later auditioned to be one of Dean Martin's "dingaling sister" back-up singers)...and awkward situations ("I...I never know which one (fork) to let me see...I...oh well, I wasn't too hungry anyway.") Yeah, that's right...just starve yourself instead of risking picking up the wrong fork and embarrassing yourself! #1970sProblems

The best line is when the brunette above is describing a run-in with an older female captain about their miniskirt discussion. "She happens to be an absolutely groovy person...and quite a swinger!"

(By the way, what do miniskirts and '70s fashion have to do with etiquette? I have no idea...but the film was definitely conceived by a man because we're treated to a mini fashion show with the nameless brunette posing in different outfits and biting a giant flower.)

Alas, her female friend, Sandy, has had a tough evening out with a gentleman...she's talking over the waiter and her date while trying to order her dinner. The solution? The lady should always tell her date what she wants, and he will place the order for you.

Wow. I wonder when's the last time a man actually ordered for a woman in a restaurant. Feminists probably didn't approve...on the other hand, I think it might be kind of cool and old school to tell a date what I wanted, and let him order it for me.

I won't reveal anything's the video below so you can see and enjoy this time capsule for yourself!

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