Muhammad Ali's Trippy Children's Record About Fighting Tooth Decay

Image via discogs.com

By 1976, Muhammad Ali was on top of the world. He was a two-time World Heavyweight Champion who had defeated George Foreman in The Rumble in the Jungle boxing match, and tussled with Joe Frazier in The Thrilla in Manilla. 

So, how did "The Greatest" as he was called follow up these victories? Well, by recording a children's album about fighting tooth decay, of course. 

The result was a trippy and oftentimes unintentionally funny novelty record called The Adventures of Ali and His Gang vs. Mr. Tooth Decay. From what I could find from a 1979 Washington Post piece, the record (and a follow-up) was sold in A&P supermarkets at the time. That would explain why the label is listed as the world-famous St. John's Fruit And Vegetable Co. 

As it turns out, educating children about good oral hygiene was one of Ali's social causes and in 1979 he even entertained a crowd of school children and their parents by staging a fight with Mr. Tooth Decay himself, played by fellow boxer Chuck Wepner. Supposedly, the match was filmed for a short film but as of this writing hasn't been uploaded to YouTube. 

But back to the record. Ali wasn't the only famous figure who lent his voice to this project. Howard Cosell, Ossie Davis, and even Ol' Blue Eyes himself—yep, Frank Sinatra—make appearances. 

The album is just under 40 minutes but trust me, that's long enough. You have to pity the parents of the YouTube commenters who said they had the album, loved it, and would listen to it often. But if it made them clean their teeth more diligently, surely this weird project of Ali did some good. 

The Catchy Opening Song

One high point is that the album kicks off with a song—and a groovy one at that with a terrific horn section. "Ali's Historical Theme Song" features Ali rapping his way through American history while the chorus repeatedly tells us that "Ali's always getting blamed for things he didn't do." 

Those things include pivotal moments in our nation's history that took place centuries before Ali was born: putting the crack in the Liberty Bell, riding the route of Paul Revere, throwing tea into Boston Harbor, etc. None of which has anything to do with tooth decay or dental health! 

One plausible explanation is that 1976 was the year of America's bicentennial and patriotic fever was sweeping the country and permeating many areas of pop culture. So, why not? If anything else, it sets Ali up as the bad ass he was. 

Promotional button for St. John's toothpaste. Image via Hakes.com.

A Beautiful Children's Story

The rest of the record is narrated by famed sports announcer Howard Cosell and follows a group of children who meet at their clubhouse and are contemplating how they're going to spend their summer vacation—they've been bored with how the gang spent their previous summers (that included making blueberry pies—such crafty chefs, these kids) and want to do something different than what the president of the club usually has planned for them. 

But not so fast! Here come the storyline's two main villains, Mr. Tooth Decay (who has a foreign, sort of Russian accent) and his dim-witted, sniveling sidekick with a name that sounds like a rapper's, Sugar Cuber. They're lurking outside the clubhouse and are out of breath after being chased by Ali. On the album's cover art, Mr. Tooth Decay is depicted as a sleazy looking, balding, trench coat-wearing flasher brandishing drills, hammers, and other tools for creating cavities in teeth. 

Shortly after Ali encounters the kids ("Have you seen two funny looking characters?"), he tells them how he's training to fight Mr. Tooth Decay and impresses them with a bizarre tale of "murdering a rock" and "hospitalizing a brick"—which proves, of course, that he's just the person to take on oral bacteria! ("I'm BAD - bring on tooth decay!")

With each accomplishment Ali rattles off, the starstruck kids ooo and ahhh in unison (they shout several things in monotone unison throughout the record, which is annoying.) But the best part is when Ali's voice echos while instructing them to get their dental floss-floss-floss and toothbrushes brushes-brushes-brushes ready. 

Image via discogs

Frank Sinatra's Brief Appearance as a Candy Shop Owner

One has to wonder how Frank Sinatra got involved in this record. He doesn't sing on it, but instead plays the owner of a candy shop who is just about to hand over some ice cream to two of the kids, Andy and Kelly. Oh no! 

Luckily, Ali steps in just in time to stop the kids from exposing their teeth to sugar. ("That's like taking candy from a baby!" quips The Chairman of the Board.) When Ali explains that he's coaching the kids to fight tooth decay, this impresses Sinatra who declares that it sounds like an excellent idea, despite the fact that he's selling the very stuff that causes craters in teeth. 

It also takes him a while to recognize Ali but once he does, he's starstruck too, and can't wait to tell Sammy and Dino all about it! 

So now Ali and the kids hop on a bus to pay a visit to a farm owned by his dentist-turned-organic farmer friend Brother St. John (Ossie Davis) to educate them on the importance of eating healthy food and practicing good oral hygiene habits. 

Image via discogs

A Bit of Misguided Dental Advice

Brother St. John is a kind man who shows the kids around the farm and brags that his ice cream is the best, because it's made with dates. It's implied that this type of naturally sweetened ice cream is somehow superior to the regular stuff, despite the fact that dates are sweet and will stick to teeth. He also tells Ali's gang to brush their teeth immediately after eating—that can actually be good or bad depending on what you just ate (it's generally advised now to wait at least a half hour after eating acidic foods like citrus fruit.)

Ali is confident that the kids are now equipped with enough knowledge to fight Mr. Tooth Decay. Unfortunately, those two troublemakers Andy and Kelly (the same ones that tried to derail plans by buying ice cream) discover and eat cake that Mr. Tooth Decay, Willie Plague, and Sugar Cuber left around the clubhouse. Their teeth start to rot immediately, leaving them running off to the dentist. 

So how does Ali save the day? By putting his toothbrush and dental floss over the door to the clubhouse—something that could have been done to begin with!

The record then winds up with fanfare and Cosell describing a boxing match between Ali and Mr. Tooth Decay. And while The Greatest is victorious, Cosell's closing remarks may offer a clue that the battle is not over: "Mr. Milkshake will have his way, chocolate fudge he just can't budge, and so to the dentist we make our way." 

This wasn't Ali's last children's record, by the way. He followed up the following year with The Dope King's Last Stand which featured President Jimmy Carter and celebrity guests Lily Tomlin, Billie Jean King, Arlo Guthrie, Pat Boone, and Frank Sinatra (again!). As you can probably guess, this time he was educating kids about the dangers of drug use. 

If you're a vinyl collector that loves rarities, this one should be added to your collection—if for nothing else, the back's delightful cover art. 

Here's the album in its entirety as uploaded to YouTube...

Five Reasons Why the American Mall is Dying

The Esplanade Mall in Kenner, Louisiana as photographed in 1988 (and which is now closed.)
Photo via @the_80s_interior on Instagram.

For some reason, I love looking at old photos of shopping malls. Maybe it's because as a '70s and '80s kid, I remember how much fun it was going to the mall back in the day. 

I remember my mom taking me to see the Sesame Street characters at a local mall where I gave Big Bird a hug. I loved riding the escalators and making a wish as I tossed a penny into one of the bubbling fountains flanked by fake trees. 

When I got older, the mall was always a fun and relatively safe place to get dropped off at and explore with my friends. If we were lucky, it contained a movie theater, arcade, or ice cream shop. A music store or Spencer's was the icing on the cake. 

Today, it's safe to say the writing seems to be on the wall for the American mall. I recently witnessed it first-hand. 

My sister and I visited a local mall neither of us had been to in several years. Actually, it was one I used to work next door to nearly a decade ago and was always busy at that time, even when it wasn't holiday season. So you could imagine my surprise to see barely any cars in the parking lot, despite arriving an hour after opening. 

We were there to go to Macy's—now one of only two department stores left at this shopping destination—with the sole purpose of finding jeans (for me) and sneakers (for her.) 

In the past I'd been satisfied with the selection of denim in the Macy's at this mall. However, this time neither of us found what we were looking for. The stock seemed very limited and prices were high, despite a "friends and family sale" taking place. No surprise, there were barely any other shoppers present and many of the departments seemed short on employees. 

What was once a bustling place just a few years ago now felt like a ghost town. 

We were only there for about 45 minutes before we cut our losses and decided to head over to the nearby Marshalls—where we found what we were looking for and more. We didn't feel like exploring any of the other stores. 

The decline of the American mall is hardly earth shattering news; the media has been touching upon it for years. But I suppose this was the first time I noticed the dip in customers and lackluster selection of clothing. 

How Many Malls Are Left in the U.S.? 

Malls in the U.S. reached their peak by the 1990s and were more than just places to shop. They also served as entertainment and socializing destinations. If you needed a place to hang out, the mall served that purpose for young and old alike.

In the 1980s there were about 2,500 malls across the country. Today, that number has dropped to 700 and many sources are predicting that within a decade there may only be about 150 malls left in the U.S. 

Once a mall closes due to the lack of shoppers and retailers filling the space it's declared a "dead mall" and usually left to slowly decay unless a developer decides to convert it into housing or commercial space. Here's a video tour of a dead mall that closed for good partly because of COVID, and partly because of mis-management. It's eerie to see merchandise still left behind among the disheveled store displays. 

Unfortunately, this may become a more common sight in the future. The way I see it, there are five major reasons why malls have fallen out of favor with consumers: 

1. Online Shopping

Hardly surprising, but once the internet and online shopping came along it signaled a warning to physical storefronts. Shopping online is convenient and you can often find a better selection of clothing and footwear in your size versus at an actual store. There are also no lines to wait in, no traffic and lack of parking spaces to deal with, and shipping is often free depending upon the retailer and the amount you buy. 

Shopping in person does have its perks—you can try on something right away and determine if it's right for you, and you get to bring your purchase home right away. And if you need a salesperson's advice, some stores are happy to help. But overall, it's tough to beat the convenience of buying what you need in just a few clicks. 

Meet me at the fountain and we'll walk to Sears together.
Photo credit Carol M. Highsmith/Library of Congress

2. Death of the Department Store

In the past few years department stores such as Sears, Filene's, and Lord&Taylor that were once retail giants have now shuttered several locations or ceased business operations completely. 

Why should this matter? Because many of these stores were considered "anchors" and their doors served as additional entrances to the mall for customers to find their way to other stores. And if another store fails to fill the space, it's another reason not to visit that mall. 

3. Lack of Customer Service/Employees

I know first-hand how tough it is for retailers to hire and retain good employees. It's a poor paying industry—you're lucky if you can find an entry level retail job that pays above minimum wage—and is best suited for people that don't mind being on their feet for several hours a day. 

Even before the pandemic, retail employers were struggling to hire staff and that's probably never going to change unless the industry can pay better and treat employees more fairly. There's a serious lack of employees to open and close stores at mall locations and run them efficiently, which causes customers to go online or to another location. 

Ice skating rink at the now vacant Eastland Mall in Charlotte, NC. Photo from Axis Charlotte.

4. Better Entertainment Options Elsewhere 

In the past the mall offered up movie theaters, arcades, merry-go-rounds, ice skating rinks, and other attractions to keep kids and teens entertained for hours. Today, many such venues have shut down and parents take their kids elsewhere to let them burn off energy. 

5. Inflation

Lastly, inflation is deterring a lot of people from shopping at malls where the prices are often higher. Hence, one reason why my sister and I went to Marshall's where you can find slightly imperfect items from decent brands for a fraction of the price seen in malls. I scored a great fitting pair of Lucky Brand jeans for $35 which is comparable to paying $100 for them in Macy's. 

How Malls Are Evolving

Some malls are not dying—rather, they're evolving into mixed used/outdoor spaces. However, any "mall" where you're required to walk around outside to get from store to store isn't the definition of a true mall in my opinion. A mall to me should always be enclosed so you don't have to worry about browsing several stores without dealing with the weather. Otherwise, it's a shopping plaza. 

Do you think malls will go the way of the Dodo bird? Let me know in the comments!