Friday, July 24, 2015

The Day Agent Dale Cooper Walked Into My Gift Shop


Fans of Twin Peaks know that the chewing gum they like is coming back into style -- the quirky David Lynch mystery series is being resurrected on Showtime next year, which will mark a quarter century since the show aired on ABC; Laura Palmer herself called it when she said, "I'll see you again in 25 years." 

I was a fan of the show until about halfway through the second season; I think after a while I got fed up with the bizarreness (a creepy woman who converses with a log; a dancing midget who sounds like he's speaking backwards; a girl being absorbed by a piece of furniture; cryptic messages about owls, etc.) Yes, all of that curious strangeness is exactly what gave the series its huge cult following that exists today, but I guess you could say that after a while, Twin Peaks really wasn't my cup of tea. Or rather, my cup of coffee. Damn fine coffee.

You see, I did have one reason to keep watching the show week after week, secretly hoping it would eventually make sense, and that was Kyle MacLachlan as FBI Agent Dale Cooper. He was cute. He was quirky. He was cool...and he sure loved his coffee, cherry pie, or doughnuts. Yes, you could say I had a crush on both the character and the actor. 


Then came the moment one day which was so surreal, it seems it was lifted straight from the show for me: a real-life Dale Cooper walked into the gift shop once of the hotel I worked at to put myself through college. The guy looked so much like him--right down to the white shirt, tie, trench coat, and dark, combed back hair. He was probably in his early 30s. But more than that, he acted like him.

He quickly nodded at me, and smiled and said hello when he came into the gift shop. Then he looked at the collection of Hanes men's undershirts we sold, for guests who forgot to bring them, and after making a comment about them, added in a sort of rapid fire tone, "Very good idea. Very smart." 

I half-expected him to whip out his handheld mini tape recorder at that point and say into it, "Diane, I'm at the Andover Marriott. Make a note of this...the gift shop sells underwear! Oh, and the lobby coffee is damn fine coffee. And the gift shop girl is cute. I think I'd like to stay here again the next time I'm investigating up this way...as long as the room service menu includes cherry pie." 



And...that was it. We may have exchanged another word or two before he existed the gift shop and become just a blip of my memory. To this day I don't know why I didn't try to engage him in more conversation...such as asking where he was from, why he was in the area, and if he was a Twin Peaks fan. Actually, I do know why...I was 19 years old and still shy and unsure of myself around guys. The 43 year-old me wants to go back to that moment, enter my 19 year-old self (after smacking her on the head), and chat with him. 

Was it the law of attraction that manifested this mysterious dude right in front of me? I have wondered about it. Or it may have just been an eerie coincidence. 

And something tells me David Lynch would love this story. 

Have you ever encountered someone who appeared to embody a fictional character or celebrity?

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

10 Underrated Rolling Stones Songs


Yes, the Rolling Stones celebrated their 50th anniversary last year, but to me their career didn't truly begin until they released "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" 50 years ago this month. Prior to the hit's release, they failed to gain much of a following in the States and in fact, their first U.S. tour--in 1964--was a "disaster" according to Bill Wyman. (Maybe those pesky lads who called themselves the Beatles had something to do with it.) 

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Modern Slang Words and Phrases I Can't Stand


Modern culture will always be adding new words to the English vocabulary; that I can accept. After all, our parents and grandparents had to get accustomed to hearing words and phrases like "swell," "rad," "awesome," "that's a gas," "what's your bag," "far out," "psyche" and a multitude of others. 

However, with the rise of texting and text speak I'm afraid we're truly dumbing down the English language. Words are getting chopped up, mixed with numbers, sliced, and diced, all because some people are lazy think it sounds cooler and because they refuse to use any other method of communication on their mobile device, such as waiting to send a cohesive email message from their laptop. 

Because I rarely text, I'll admit that I'm out of the loop, a little square, and not hip (there's a few slang phrases for you) to what the kids today consider "cool" words. For example, a former coworker I'm connected to on Facebook recently vented her distaste for the use of the word "bae." (As I typed this just now, Blogger tried to auto correct first to the word "bar" then to the word "bad." Another inconvenient problem with making up nonsense words.)

I didn't even know bae meant so I looked it up. Don't these idiots using it know that bae is Danish for poop? I'm not kidding. It also sounds like the sound a sheep makes. However, bae in American slang language is short for baby, babe, sweetie, before anyone else, etc. It's a term of endearment! Really? Was typing and  pronouncing that second "b" in "babe" that much of an effort? Have we really gotten this lazy?

So, without further ado, here's a list of other modern words and phrases that I really just can't stomach for various reasons. Whatever happened to cool and daddy-o, anyway?



MILF/DILF/GILF/ETC.
They stand for a "mother I'd like to bleep," "dad I'd like to bleep" and "grandfather/grandmother I'd like to bleep." Gross. Only they're not saying the word bleep. I just find the whole acronym awkward to pronounce (like the speaker has a lisp) and its blunt meaning offensive. I've seen teenage girls openly post it on YouTube videos of Christoph Waltz. Hate to break it to you young "ladies" (ahem) but Christoph wouldn't be caught dead with anyone using such a silly crap word. Trust me, if you're classy, you won't use this ridiculous word. 

Would you hit it?/I'd like to hit that/Mama gonna tap that
Another cheap, disgusting, offensive phrase referring to fornication that frankly, has always sounded a bit violent to me and really objectifies its human subject by referring to them as it or that.  You're not supposed to want to "hit" the person you want to make love to. Really? I prefer Austin Powers' phrase of choice: shagadelic. 



YOLO
You only live once. So why not use proper English? Besides, us retro fans know that the acronym should really be YOLT - as in you only live twice. Thank you, Nancy Sinatra and 007. 

Later, b*tches!
Growing up, the B word was one of the worst things you could call a woman...after the C word, that is. Or it meant complaining or a female dog. But now it's used like a term of endearment. What's wrong with simply saying, "See you later, ladies"?

Dope
It's supposed to describe something that is highly cool and relevant, but in my opinion you are the original meaning of this word if you use it. 

Bros before hos
Referring to women as "hos" pretty much guarantees that you'll only be hanging with your bros. 

Throwing some shade
I prefer my late father's old saying, "putting the whammy (evil eye) on someone."

Lemme
How much effort is required from the muscles in the human mouth to say "let me"? Rilly, is dis how laze we b'comin?

KK
It means OK. Who knew. Why not just say/text OK? Too lazy to locate the O button (that is right above the K?)

I leave you with that age old question that Paul Lynde and Dick Van Dyke pondered: what's the matter with kids today? Who can understand anything they say?

What about you? Are there any modern slang words and phrases that you can't stomach, or leave you scratching your head? 

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