Hello, I hope everyone had a great Labor Day weekend! My Mac is *almost* back. I'm just waiting for my new modem to arrive in the mail either today or tomorrow, and hopefully I can get it working to begin posting more often again. I missed having Internet access over a three-day weekend!
Now onto today's post: Steve Greenlee of the Boston Globe sounds like an old-fashioned guy after my own heart. He wrote this very funny, sarcastic editorial aimed at everyone who thinks their cell phone is the coolest thing they ever toted around in the pocket. I'm copying and pasting the whole piece here - read it when you have a moment; trust me, it's worth it.
Think you're so cool with that tiny phone that takes pictures and gets the web? Mine's better.
I got this cool new phone. I can call anywhere in the country with it. Let's say I'm in Massachusetts and you're in Ohio. I can call you and talk, and you'll hear me just fine. Or let's say you're farther away, like in Oregon. Same deal. You can hear everything I say. Unless I'm mumbling or something or I'm eating when I'm talking. Or I hang up on you, because you're being an idiot. Then you probably won't hear me.
Or let's say you're in another country or somewhere exotic. I can call you there, too. Maybe you're in Canada, or Alaska. You'd think maybe we couldn't talk until you got back to Oregon. But it's just like you're in Ohio. I can hear you, and you can hear me. What are you doing in Alaska, anyway? How's global warming up there? Seen any polar bears? I didn't think so.
My phone has big buttons for all the numbers. Not like on your phone, where you mean to press 5 but you accidentally press 4 because the pads are small and your fingers are fat. It's not your fault you've got fat fingers; your mother probably had fat fingers, too. But I press 5 and it dials 5. Not so much a dial, really, but a beep. I mean, who has a dial phone anymore? Dial M for Murder came out more than 10 years ago. They don't even make dial phones anymore. Well, they make phones that look like dial phones but actually have push-buttons where you would stick your finger through. Why do they call it Dial M anyway? Nobody uses the letters on the buttons. Why didn't they call it Dial 6 for Murder? That would make more sense.
I don't have to carry my phone around in my pocket. Not like yours. My phone hangs on my wall, like it's a piece of art. Which it is, compared with your phone. Your phone bulges in your pocket. I'd hate the feel of a phone in my pocket. Especially if my pants were a little loose. My phone would weigh them down, and I'd have to keep hitching them up. No such hassle with my phone. I don't go carrying my phone around with me. Also, I don't want my pants to ring every time someone calls me.
I've heard your ring tones. You think they're pretty cool, don't you? Guess what: No one wants to hear the chorus of "Macho Man." Certainly not every time your mother calls you. My phone rings just like the phone in It's a Wonderful Life. And I didn't have to pay a gazillion dollars to download the sound. You know the scene, where George is in Mary's house, and her phone rings, and it's what's-his-face, and George and Mary are listening together on the phone, and Mary's mother is listening in on the other line. Can your phone sound like that phone? Don't say it can when it can't. You can be so obnoxious sometimes.
So your phone can go on the Internet. So what? If the Internet catches on, then that might come in handy. But I'm not holding my breath. Also, if I want to see things on the Internet, I'll use my computer. And I don't. Because I tried buying Tuesdays With Morrie from Amazon once, and I called them and then "logged on" to their site, or whatever you call it, and guess what? I couldn't get in. Apparently you can't be on the phone and on the Internet at the same time. So what use is that on your phone? You sure got suckered.
I saw you trying to read The New York Times on your phone. You can be so stupid sometimes. How much of the paper do you think you can see on that tiny screen? I bought a much cheaper version of the newspaper for a dollar, and look how many pages it has. There's no comparison. Besides, if I didn't have a copy of the paper with me and I wanted to know what was in it, I would just use my phone to call someone to read me whatever I needed from his paper. Or I would call The New York Times and tell them my carrier threw my paper in a puddle and it's soaked, so could they send out another copy. Now I see you're watching the Red Sox on your phone. You clown. The players all look like ants. Come to my house and watch the games on my fancy color TV. On second thought, don't.
Your phone takes pictures? Big deal. I have a camera for that kind of thing. I've had it for years, and it works just fine. I don't have to plug it into a computer to get the pictures out either. I just take the picture, and - poof - the photo comes right out of the bottom of the camera. Try that on your new phone.
Steve Greenlee is the Globe's Living editor. Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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