Saturday, July 27, 2013

Ms. Go Retro Answers All


You know what's amazing? Go Retro has been live for 6 years now and averages around 1,000 page views a day; that's nearly triple the amount it was getting just over a year ago. And that means people like to write to me. Most of the time the messages are cool--accolades for the site or information that folks thought I would find useful. But with "fame" (ha ha; I use that term loosely) comes a price: a few times a week I now get unsolicited email that often have some off-the-wall motives behind them. You wouldn't think so, seeing as how this blog is all about peace, love and Happy Days, but it happens. I thought I'd take a moment to show you some of the messages that I get on a regular basis. Some of this has been improvised from memory, but I think you'll get the drift in a hurry. I'm thinking some of this may be best digested into a "Contact Me" section of the blog eventually, so that we can hopefully stop some of the stupid before it gets to me. 

Dear Go Retro,

I write a blog where I gush about Robert Pattinson's chest hair pattern, debate whether Amanda Bynes is truly insane, and share as many One Direction photos that I can get my mitts on. Can we exchange links on each other's blog rolls?

Generation Zzzzzzz

Dear Zzzzzzz:

Well, I think you and others emailing me similar requests need to ask yourself a question: does my own blog/site have a retro/vintage theme to it? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think it's a safe assumption that most of my audience doesn't really give a shit about Robert Pattinson, let alone his chest hair. 

Dear Go Retro,

Can you tell me where I can buy retro/vintage style clothing, like the ones I see on Mad Men?

Sincerely,
Miss Clueless

Dear Miss Clueless:

A word of advice here: Google is your friend. That's pretty much what I have used to find some interesting sites that sell retro style or actual vintage clothing. Before then, I knew no more than the average person on good resources for retro clothing. 

Dear Go Retro,

We publish a magazine about serial killers, the PREMIER publication about serial killers, and it's supplemented by a calendar featuring the serial killer of the month. Would you pretty please link to us and give these soulless heathens of society some free publicity?

Sincerely,
Psychotic Phil

I really, really, REALLY wish I could say that I am making this one up. Granted, the interpretation above is slightly different than the actual inquiry I received, but I was absolutely nauseous that such a publication (and calendar) exists. I really was tempted to write this guy back and give him a piece of my mind on what I really thought about the theme of his magazine, but I held myself back because God only knows what would have happened to my personal safety...one never knows when you're dealing with whackos on the Internet. I just deleted it, but if there was ever an email that gave me the heebee jeebies, that was it. 

Dear Go Retro,

I write a blog about the latest technological gadgets and my reviews of them. Would you like to be a guest author for it?

Sincerely,
REALLY Clueless Nerd

Dear REALLY Clueless Nerd,

Sure, if by the latest technological gadgets you mean VHS and Walkman.

Yeah, this happened, too...and what's really maddening is that when I wrote the guy back and explained that my blog was about retro pop culture, not the latest technology, he clearly didn't even pay attention to my message and asked me yet again if we could post-swap. That's when I lost it a bit by asking if he even READ my blog, pointed out that the name of the blog was Go RETRO and that the LAST thing I'd be writing about would be the latest piece of technology invented to separate people from the real world. Needless to say, I never heard from him again. Go figure.

Dear Go Retro,

I'm selling my parents' home and wish to get rid of the mid-century modern furniture. I heard that movie studios like to buy this stuff to use in films. How do I go about doing that?


Movie Set Mary

Dear Mary,

Um...look some up and contact them? Why not just put the stuff up for sale on eBay? Good luck. 

Dear Go Retro,

I really enjoyed your post about go-go dancing. Are you a go-go dancer?

Dancing Fool

Dear Dancing Fool,

Only if you count my past lives. Tip: just because someone writes about something doesn't mean they work that profession. Thought that seemed pretty obvious but I guess not. 

Dear Go Retro,

Hi, how are U? Do u have any 60s-80s tv shows or tv specials? write ihavenocluehowtowrite@aol.com

Dear I Have No Clue,

"U" need to be more specific here. What do you mean, do I have any 60s-80s tv shows or specials? Do you mean do I have any on DVD? And why do you want to know? So you can buy them? Information (and communication) is key.

Sigh. For the record, I'm still waiting for this email to come in:

Dear Go Retro,

We've been reading your blog for a while, and we think you'd make the perfect talk show/TV variety host of your own retro morning show. It'll be called...um...Go Retro . You'll kick off every show doing a dance of a particular era along with your background dancers. You'll get to interview notable celebs and people with connections to the pop culture past. Singers from every decade want to perform for your audience. You'll highlight retro fashion and will show people how to throw groovy retro themed parties. Did we mention we'll pay you $250,000 per show? What do you say?

Big Joe the Network CEO

Well, one can dream, right?

6 comments:

  1. LOL LOL LOL these letters crack me up Pam, thank goodness I don't get such crazy ones.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Ms. Go Retro,

    I love the Beatles. Can you arrange for me to meet them?

    How about Elvis?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Amy - I only started getting them over the past year as it took that long for the blog to get a decent amount of traffic. Be careful what you wish for!

    Shady - Ha ha! That cracked me up.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Fame is a heartless bitc . . .well, you know. With all the adoration of your fans come the grubby underbelly and seedy side of the internet. You just have to put up with it.

    Keep up the good work.
    And I have this great opportunity for a savvy retro minded gal like yourself. For a small amount up front . . . well, we'll talk later.

    ReplyDelete
  5. What does it say about me that, for a split second, I actually believed that last email to be real?

    I said "just a split second"! That was it! Honest.

    I know who your talking about (I think) with regard to the Serial Killer magazine. This same individual (or group?) also has a VHS cover site from which I was allowed to steal all the images and place on my own site (giving them credit, of course).

    I wonder if they found you through me? If so, my apologies.

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. If you take up go go dancing as an exercise regimen/hobby, you can give at least one of these poor saps a positive answer.

    ReplyDelete

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